Nov 212009

What was so extraordinary about this God of mine? The waves of love I felt from him when I sought out his company. The vastness, the hole, the void of emptiness and isolation that he filled immediately. I became surrounded with a peace and sense of serenity that I had never experienced or felt in my life. I spent my entire life not wanting to feel anything about anyone. It had been too dangerous to become emotionally attached to the loved ones who only let me down or hurt me terribly. This I could risk and found obtainable and accessible every time I needed it.

As for his power and performance that I heard so much about, I decided to test it being the Doubting Thomas that I was. Prayers became the epitome of what I was looking for in a spiritual relationship. But I needed to see some proof of what this was all about before I became compelled to spend any more time seeking out this relationship. So my feeble prayer life began; asking for signs, phone calls, confirmations of my doubts and fears that needed to be relieved. Each of them got answered in one form or another. My faith started to build little by little, until I was given so much hope and reassurance, that I was able to feel that I was really going to be alright or better yet I was alright.

I now know that God works steadfast for the new believer and as we gain trust and faith in him; he moves the bar up a notch of expanding where and how we need to place our faith and trust in him. I would not be here where I am today if I hadn’t sought out Prayer and Meditation as if my life depended on it. The story of my sobriety, how I got Sober, the sale of my business and house, the Gardening Job,the Store,the Sober House, the Law Suite, the book, the play,the film……The list is endless, were all inspired and empowered by God. MY Prayers have always been about asking for the help for me be the Person, Mother,friend,sibling,worker that he needs me to be to be effective in this troubled and dying world. What is his will for my life? What is he calling me to be or do? These all have been answered. Some faster than others, but always answered as long as I am obedient and take the action. The one major ingredient to my success as a Sober woman has been putting my Belief in Jesus Christ and what and who he was to God. God gave him life to show to all of us that we too can tap into all the same qualities and resurrecting powers that Christ was given. Compassion, healing. tolerance, and forgiveness to name a few. Every morning I pray for the Christ like qualities that can help me live over the top. The Christ I have found compares to nothing like the Christian Legalistic form of Christianity that has tortured the century’s with its vengeance of self-righteousness and self- justification of thus being an ‘Holier than Thou’ pretense. The part that sealed the deal for me is that the 12 steps were indoctrinated by the Oxford Group at the turn of the 1800’s early 1900’s and derived from the Sermon of the Mount, when Christ delivered one of his most powerful messages of the Beatitudes. Which when you search and explore to the core is the premise of the AA and AlANON programs. They walk hand in hand. Christ talked a lot about to get or go anywhere with God we have to humble ourselves before him and seek out humility as part of our fiber in service to him. Jesus, the Beloved Servant, was God in the flesh. His actions and life while He was on earth show us clearly God’s character and concerns. He was so compassionate toward the downtrodden that Isaiah describes Him as careful not to break a battered reed. He would not extinguish a wick struggling to stay lit. He proved again and again His compassion for saint and sinner alike. But the gentleness was underscored by His great and awesome power. The very Savior who could speak kind and encouraging words to a woman in adultery could as easily raise the dead, drive out demons, and control the very forces of nature. The power that resurrected Jesus from the dead is the same power that He offers to resurrect us from the living death of our dependencies and to alter the course of our lives.

Thru all of my faith and belief, I have been given the direction to be able to get thru ANYTHING and feel comfortable in every risk he has asked me to do. Believe me…….there wasn’t a fiber in me that wanted to leave the safety net of a very posh and secure life I had as a Sober Woman in the Hamptons…..but push he did until I was able to listen to what he was directing me to do and when I got it….every door flew open. It has been breath taking and exhilarating this ride I have been on with him. I have felt so much of his Glory and Power of success and contentment but most of all fulfillment.

I remember the day, like it was yesterday, when he told me in meditation to go down and Section 35 my son Macartney. The Judge would not put him a rehab. And I was like…..what……God you told me to do this. Everywhere I turned everyone told me to do it again and by the 2nd or 3rd time the Judge would take me seriously. As I started to drive back down to the Court….It was loud and very clear….I heard God say to me….LET HIM GO…..he’s mine. I almost crashed my truck. Macartney came back from the courts and moved out of the house into another horrible situation. I cried for weeks….he said again…..’I need him to do something….stop interfering’. I Let Go and Let God. Well we all know what happened on September 16th where our lives were altered forever. He is now facing a Law Suite that we were just informed Thursday that it was a slam dunk by the Berkshire Common Wealth Law System of a 20 million claim of which I will get a third and manage his for him while he gets the help he needs. Money will not erase the scar or take away the trauma or make my son whole again. But my prayers have been for my finances…….never to think this would happen…….and also the change in the community that is going to happen when this law suite comes forth that the ‘emperor has no clothes’ and that there is ‘trouble in paradise’. Its all been interesting, and thank you God I didn’t drink over this because I would have missed the complete reason that it happened in the first place.

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Who is God to me?

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Nov 142009

November 14, 2009

It is said in the Big Book that God is either nothing or everything. When I first started in AA and visiting the rooms, I would glance and briefly read the steps and walk by and look at the literature that was out on the tables. As the fog lifted and I was able hear and concentrate on what I heard speakers saying and focus on what we were reading out of the AA literature; the spiritual awakening started. Quotes and sayings started to grab my attention……Alcoholism is a spiritual disease. It’s a disease of the attitudes, perception, and perspective. What??????????????????How could this be? Who were they trying to kid? was my immediate response. I never had bottoms like these people; I just wasn’t able to figure out my life because it had all gotten so complicated, chaotic and overwhelming. So many things were so strategically positioned that helped shape my bottom. An insane business that required 80-90 hours a week, a home that was a full job just to maintain by itself, 2 boys that didn’t have a mommy, my mother who was dying, an abusive husband that no matter what or how I did anything, couldn’t appreciate what I was trying to do to keep everything floating. My answer by now was; drink more and find someone else that would have more respect for what and who I was. Eventually it came down to the concept of wanting to save a marriage that was unsalvageable, and be more of a mother to my children that my mother hadn’t been to me. In the year that I was told not to make any changes, I was completely devastated as to what I awoke to; or woke up from……..the emotional blackouts that I started to recall were so debilitating. Both from my childhood and various occurrences thru-out my marriage of the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse that resided in our lives. Staying married to this man for my children growing up to watch, was not an option.

My sponsor would say it continuously; I don’t know how you’re staying sober. Went to meetings, continued to work the same insanity, and finally dealt with the ex a few towns away. The only thing I didn’t do was pick up, and started to pray as if my life depended it on it….which as I think back to….did. In my gut I knew I was in trouble, Trapped in a marriage where my spouse would not want me sober; meant he had no more control over me and my predictable drinking and behavior was no longer manageable by his standards. We ran a business together, so my financial welfare was so dependant on him and his signature. Every decision, action or reaction, or non-action was based upon what and how he responded. When I left him I had no courage, sense of self, self-preservation, or sense of self-worth. Where and how was I going to be able to find what I needed to maintain a Sober Life?

It began with a wanting and willingness to give this idea of God a try. Small prayers and requests of just wanting to abstain from alcohol and caving in to Chris’s demands of accusations. Then grew into having the ability to relocate into a healthier environment, where I could produce enough work to sustain me. Step by step, hour by hour I was able to do something else than what I was used to; which was caving in and throwing my sense of self worth into the toilet for his life and demands. As I turned more and more to God the chaos and fear started to evaporate and dissolve. Fear and Faith can not share the same room is what I started to see. What the hell is this faith thing and how much of my life was based on fear? Was I able to walk a life that everything was going to be alright if I could Let Go and Let God? Let God do what?????Everything that I had no control over……which was everything out-side of my self.

Frightening from a person whose life and dreams had been shattered by 7. My life was about unsafe situations which didn’t seem to end with my childhood. MY entire existence was about CONTROL!!!!!! Is it possible that so much of my drinking career was about recreating the toxic environment where I new I needed to fight or flight from???? Why did I keep recreating these chaotic insane situations? Step 2 was ushered into my life. Having God restore me to sanity. Wasn’t quite sure I knew if this was going to be able to happen. Left to my own devices I would continue to find myself in trouble or battling some new found situation that was unmanageable. So if I’m insane and can’t manage my life Sober, how am I going to know Gods will for me? What does it look like? Feel like? What are the actions that are to be taken when we are in God’s will?

I was leaving an AA meeting one morning when one of my favorite contractors and old partying body asked me if I could chair the Promises meeting in Wainscott. He had already had a speaker. It was rainy and cold and work wasn’t so important and I knew enough to say yes. I was feeling close to a drink those days and my sponsor had pounded into to me….MEETINGS>>>>MEETINGS>>>>>>>MEETINGS. So off I went. So for the first time after being in AA for 1.5 years and cold sober for 6 months white knuckling it, I sat and really listened to the promises. I almost wept out loud. They were finally in my consciousness and right then and there certain things that had been happening now made sense. God was doing for me what I could have never done for my self.

I remember on that day saying to myself, “what the hell do you think you want to do now”? It’s already quite clear so many countless miracles were unfolding that there had been and could be no other explanation than God. I had made such a mess of everything…..Could God do a better Job? Absolutely, there was such a mystical feeling of awe with the way Gods was working in my life. Things started to open up with Doors swinging wide, and feelings of despair and uncertainty started to abate. Longer periods of peace and serenity came my way with a deeper understanding that I was becoming intimate with a loving God who was crazy about me and was all for this new sober life that I wanted. I had so many miracles unfold that blew my mind, and it all lead towards a loving hand that was protecting and guiding me. The unexplainable became explainable. I was an ordinary drunk empowered by an extraordinary



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