What was so extraordinary about this God of mine? The waves of love I felt from him when I sought out his company. The vastness, the hole, the void of emptiness and isolation that he filled immediately. I became surrounded with a peace and sense of serenity that I had never experienced or felt in my life. I spent my entire life not wanting to feel anything about anyone. It had been too dangerous to become emotionally attached to the loved ones who only let me down or hurt me terribly. This I could risk and found obtainable and accessible every time I needed it.
As for his power and performance that I heard so much about, I decided to test it being the Doubting Thomas that I was. Prayers became the epitome of what I was looking for in a spiritual relationship. But I needed to see some proof of what this was all about before I became compelled to spend any more time seeking out this relationship. So my feeble prayer life began; asking for signs, phone calls, confirmations of my doubts and fears that needed to be relieved. Each of them got answered in one form or another. My faith started to build little by little, until I was given so much hope and reassurance, that I was able to feel that I was really going to be alright or better yet I was alright.
I now know that God works steadfast for the new believer and as we gain trust and faith in him; he moves the bar up a notch of expanding where and how we need to place our faith and trust in him. I would not be here where I am today if I hadn’t sought out Prayer and Meditation as if my life depended on it. The story of my sobriety, how I got Sober, the sale of my business and house, the Gardening Job,the Store,the Sober House, the Law Suite, the book, the play,the film……The list is endless, were all inspired and empowered by God. MY Prayers have always been about asking for the help for me be the Person, Mother,friend,sibling,worker that he needs me to be to be effective in this troubled and dying world. What is his will for my life? What is he calling me to be or do? These all have been answered. Some faster than others, but always answered as long as I am obedient and take the action. The one major ingredient to my success as a Sober woman has been putting my Belief in Jesus Christ and what and who he was to God. God gave him life to show to all of us that we too can tap into all the same qualities and resurrecting powers that Christ was given. Compassion, healing. tolerance, and forgiveness to name a few. Every morning I pray for the Christ like qualities that can help me live over the top. The Christ I have found compares to nothing like the Christian Legalistic form of Christianity that has tortured the century’s with its vengeance of self-righteousness and self- justification of thus being an ‘Holier than Thou’ pretense. The part that sealed the deal for me is that the 12 steps were indoctrinated by the Oxford Group at the turn of the 1800’s early 1900’s and derived from the Sermon of the Mount, when Christ delivered one of his most powerful messages of the Beatitudes. Which when you search and explore to the core is the premise of the AA and AlANON programs. They walk hand in hand. Christ talked a lot about to get or go anywhere with God we have to humble ourselves before him and seek out humility as part of our fiber in service to him. Jesus, the Beloved Servant, was God in the flesh. His actions and life while He was on earth show us clearly God’s character and concerns. He was so compassionate toward the downtrodden that Isaiah describes Him as careful not to break a battered reed. He would not extinguish a wick struggling to stay lit. He proved again and again His compassion for saint and sinner alike. But the gentleness was underscored by His great and awesome power. The very Savior who could speak kind and encouraging words to a woman in adultery could as easily raise the dead, drive out demons, and control the very forces of nature. The power that resurrected Jesus from the dead is the same power that He offers to resurrect us from the living death of our dependencies and to alter the course of our lives.
Thru all of my faith and belief, I have been given the direction to be able to get thru ANYTHING and feel comfortable in every risk he has asked me to do. Believe me…….there wasn’t a fiber in me that wanted to leave the safety net of a very posh and secure life I had as a Sober Woman in the Hamptons…..but push he did until I was able to listen to what he was directing me to do and when I got it….every door flew open. It has been breath taking and exhilarating this ride I have been on with him. I have felt so much of his Glory and Power of success and contentment but most of all fulfillment.
I remember the day, like it was yesterday, when he told me in meditation to go down and Section 35 my son Macartney. The Judge would not put him a rehab. And I was like…..what……God you told me to do this. Everywhere I turned everyone told me to do it again and by the 2nd or 3rd time the Judge would take me seriously. As I started to drive back down to the Court….It was loud and very clear….I heard God say to me….LET HIM GO…..he’s mine. I almost crashed my truck. Macartney came back from the courts and moved out of the house into another horrible situation. I cried for weeks….he said again…..’I need him to do something….stop interfering’. I Let Go and Let God. Well we all know what happened on September 16th where our lives were altered forever. He is now facing a Law Suite that we were just informed Thursday that it was a slam dunk by the Berkshire Common Wealth Law System of a 20 million claim of which I will get a third and manage his for him while he gets the help he needs. Money will not erase the scar or take away the trauma or make my son whole again. But my prayers have been for my finances…….never to think this would happen…….and also the change in the community that is going to happen when this law suite comes forth that the ‘emperor has no clothes’ and that there is ‘trouble in paradise’. Its all been interesting, and thank you God I didn’t drink over this because I would have missed the complete reason that it happened in the first place.