Who is God to me?

November 14, 2009

It is said in the Big Book that God is either nothing or everything. When I first started in AA and visiting the rooms, I would glance and briefly read the steps and walk by and look at the literature that was out on the tables. As the fog lifted and I was able hear and concentrate on what I heard speakers saying and focus on what we were reading out of the AA literature; the spiritual awakening started. Quotes and sayings started to grab my attention……Alcoholism is a spiritual disease. It’s a disease of the attitudes, perception, and perspective. What??????????????????How could this be? Who were they trying to kid? was my immediate response. I never had bottoms like these people; I just wasn’t able to figure out my life because it had all gotten so complicated, chaotic and overwhelming. So many things were so strategically positioned that helped shape my bottom. An insane business that required 80-90 hours a week, a home that was a full job just to maintain by itself, 2 boys that didn’t have a mommy, my mother who was dying, an abusive husband that no matter what or how I did anything, couldn’t appreciate what I was trying to do to keep everything floating. My answer by now was; drink more and find someone else that would have more respect for what and who I was. Eventually it came down to the concept of wanting to save a marriage that was unsalvageable, and be more of a mother to my children that my mother hadn’t been to me. In the year that I was told not to make any changes, I was completely devastated as to what I awoke to; or woke up from……..the emotional blackouts that I started to recall were so debilitating. Both from my childhood and various occurrences thru-out my marriage of the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse that resided in our lives. Staying married to this man for my children growing up to watch, was not an option.

My sponsor would say it continuously; I don’t know how you’re staying sober. Went to meetings, continued to work the same insanity, and finally dealt with the ex a few towns away. The only thing I didn’t do was pick up, and started to pray as if my life depended it on it….which as I think back to….did. In my gut I knew I was in trouble, Trapped in a marriage where my spouse would not want me sober; meant he had no more control over me and my predictable drinking and behavior was no longer manageable by his standards. We ran a business together, so my financial welfare was so dependant on him and his signature. Every decision, action or reaction, or non-action was based upon what and how he responded. When I left him I had no courage, sense of self, self-preservation, or sense of self-worth. Where and how was I going to be able to find what I needed to maintain a Sober Life?

It began with a wanting and willingness to give this idea of God a try. Small prayers and requests of just wanting to abstain from alcohol and caving in to Chris’s demands of accusations. Then grew into having the ability to relocate into a healthier environment, where I could produce enough work to sustain me. Step by step, hour by hour I was able to do something else than what I was used to; which was caving in and throwing my sense of self worth into the toilet for his life and demands. As I turned more and more to God the chaos and fear started to evaporate and dissolve. Fear and Faith can not share the same room is what I started to see. What the hell is this faith thing and how much of my life was based on fear? Was I able to walk a life that everything was going to be alright if I could Let Go and Let God? Let God do what?????Everything that I had no control over……which was everything out-side of my self.

Frightening from a person whose life and dreams had been shattered by 7. My life was about unsafe situations which didn’t seem to end with my childhood. MY entire existence was about CONTROL!!!!!! Is it possible that so much of my drinking career was about recreating the toxic environment where I new I needed to fight or flight from???? Why did I keep recreating these chaotic insane situations? Step 2 was ushered into my life. Having God restore me to sanity. Wasn’t quite sure I knew if this was going to be able to happen. Left to my own devices I would continue to find myself in trouble or battling some new found situation that was unmanageable. So if I’m insane and can’t manage my life Sober, how am I going to know Gods will for me? What does it look like? Feel like? What are the actions that are to be taken when we are in God’s will?

I was leaving an AA meeting one morning when one of my favorite contractors and old partying body asked me if I could chair the Promises meeting in Wainscott. He had already had a speaker. It was rainy and cold and work wasn’t so important and I knew enough to say yes. I was feeling close to a drink those days and my sponsor had pounded into to me….MEETINGS>>>>MEETINGS>>>>>>>MEETINGS. So off I went. So for the first time after being in AA for 1.5 years and cold sober for 6 months white knuckling it, I sat and really listened to the promises. I almost wept out loud. They were finally in my consciousness and right then and there certain things that had been happening now made sense. God was doing for me what I could have never done for my self.

I remember on that day saying to myself, “what the hell do you think you want to do now”? It’s already quite clear so many countless miracles were unfolding that there had been and could be no other explanation than God. I had made such a mess of everything…..Could God do a better Job? Absolutely, there was such a mystical feeling of awe with the way Gods was working in my life. Things started to open up with Doors swinging wide, and feelings of despair and uncertainty started to abate. Longer periods of peace and serenity came my way with a deeper understanding that I was becoming intimate with a loving God who was crazy about me and was all for this new sober life that I wanted. I had so many miracles unfold that blew my mind, and it all lead towards a loving hand that was protecting and guiding me. The unexplainable became explainable. I was an ordinary drunk empowered by an extraordinary

God.